Feeling Life an Empty Nester?

by Reni Parker
9/20/09

Congratulations to those of you whose teenagers entered college! Taking your teenagers to college is a huge milestone for both teen and parent(s). No matter how big your teenager is, including six feet tall, he/she is still your child....your baby. It was your parental goal from the beginning to have your child become responsible and independent AND so you said:
1. "Clean up your room."
2. "Empty the garbage."
3. "Pick your clothes up off the floor."
4. "Be home at a specific time."

Move-in day at the dorms provided you the opportunity to go up and down the stairs many times with Target or Walmart sacks filled with college/dorm supplies. You met your teen's roommate(s) and parent(s). Last but not least you nourished your teen's body with a good restaurant meal. Goodbyes were said and hugs were given. You watched as your child walked off into the huge college building.

Some parents are fine with all of this; others shed many tears as the car and you go homeward bound minus one. You may wish you could go back and get your teenager. You may be thinking how it feels like only yesterday when your child was born. You may ask yourself, "What if my baby needs me?" Ahhh, cell phones!!!

It's normal to feel happy or sad, or any combination of feelings when your child goes off to college. Some parents grieve the loss of their little child as they experience their grown-up child. You may not feel as needed. Your house is quiet now. You may really miss your teenager. As a parent(s) you have done a great job encouraging your child to go to college. You have laid out your child's foundation. As a parent(s), you hope your teenager makes good choices, and the mistakes are not too bad.

Next time you see your college son or daughter, he/she will seem more grown-up and independent. You may really like this new grown-up version, even if he/she brings home all his/her dirty laundry. All the years before this you were giving your child wings to fly. College is when parents watch their child take off and hope they soar.

How Can Adults Help Children Grieve?

by Reni Parker
10/14/09

Adults can help children grieve by:
*Listening to their story. The child's voice needs to be heard.
*Keeping to the regular schedule so children feel safe and comforted
*Using correct words ("Your father has died.")
*Encouraging the children to talk and ask questions
*Answering what they want to know in language they understand
*Explaining that their feelings are okay
*Being there for the children when they want to tell you how they feel
*Telling children that it's not their fault their loved one died
*Hugging the children
*Explaining what the children will see at the funeral
*Allowing involvement in the funeral to the extent they feel comfortable
*Encouraging ways to express feelings through writing, art work, sports
*Keeping a photo close by of the loved one
*Accepting and normalizing children's feelings
*Encouraging collecting keepsakes and photos
*Helping to make memory books, memory boxes
*Being supportive
*Being available physically and mentally
*Being understanding
*Letting the teacher and school counselor know what has happened
*Monitoring your child's responses and behavior
*Checking out any concerns with a mental health professional

Books to help grieving children:
1. Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen
2. Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs by Tomie dePaola
3. Children Also Grieve by Linda Goldman
4. Love You Forever by Robert Munsch
5. Goodbye Mousie by Robert H. Harris
6. My Life Changed, A Journal for Coping with Loss and Grief by Free Spirit Publishing
7. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia

A book for adults: The Grieving Child, A Parent's Guide by Helen Fitzgerald